Application Howlers

The last few posts on graduate prospects, etc. seem so serious, perhaps it’s time for something a little more light-hearted!

This was taken from a circulation that went round UK careers advisers a few years ago, but is still worth its weight in gold.  It’s a series of ‘howlers’ that candidates have, so we are led to believe, put on their job application forms:

“I am someone who knows my own destiny, but I have no definite long term plans.” 

“I was closely involved in every aspect of my former company, right up to its bankruptcy.” (would-be Trainee Accountant)

“Excellent memory skills, good analytical skills, memory skills…”

On an application for a position requiring considerable people skills – “My hobbies include watching television, computer chess, philately (especially first day covers) and walking my 2 spaniels.”

“I have a criminal record but I am not in jail at the moment.” 

“I have a desire to work with commuters.” 

“At secondary school I was a prefix.” 

“Hi, I want 2 get a job with U.” 

“I have a 100% attendance at work, except for the seven days I have taken off sick.” 

“Size of employer: about 5’ 10” ” 

“Here are my qualifications for you to overlook.” 

“Suspected to graduate early next year…” 

“My health good, that of my parents not so good.”

“Like one of your coffees, I am designed to be opened, savoured and enjoyed.” 

“Finished eighth in my class of ten.”

“I enclose a tea-bag so you can enjoy a cuppa while perusing my form.” 

“I loathe filling in application forms so much that I’ll give you details at the interview.” 

“If called to interview I would like to discuss the salary, pensions and sickness benefits.” 

“Place of birth – A London hospital.” 

“Being a Virgoan, my sense of assertiveness and resilience has prompted me to continue with my ambitions to be a solicitor in a major city law firm…I am also a seventh generation descendant of a Chinese princess and a Sulawesian warrior, which makes me…both an amiable and energetic person.” 

“I do not have any major achievements that I would consider to be of interest to this application.”

“…dealing with fear and being able to follow orders under terrifying conditions.” (from a student member of a sky diving club) 

“I believe in helping other people and so I am a blood and organ donor.”

“Up until a little while ago I used to compete in British-Eventing competitions on my horse, from which I got a real kick.” 

“Working on a farm has…improved my communication skills which are especially important when working with large livestock.” 

“My life-long love of chocolate biscuits, is the main reason for his interest in the company.” (United Biscuits)

 And the morale of this cautionary tale is of course: proof read your application carefully before you send it off!

If you have any other application howlers you would like to tell us about, please send them in to careers@cumbria.ac.uk (ref: UOC Careers Blog).  All submissions that are decent and legal WILL be published. Look forward to hearing from you shorty…

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