Best (or Should that be Worst?…) Lawyer Jokes

The Legal profession stands out as one which generates a lot of jokes at its own expense.  But since the financial crisis of 2008, it has also stood out as one which has become increasingly tricky to enter.  Potential lawyers face the multiple hazards of shrinking numbers of job opportunities, lengthy and expensive postgraduate training periods, unpaid internships, under-employment, gender discrimination* and the like.

My guess is that those prospective lawyers need a bit of cheering up, so what better excuse for providing a selection of favourite lawyer jokes, having separated the wheat from much chaff and cut down on the ‘shaggy dog’ elements:

Q:  What is the difference between a solicitor and a barrister?
A:   One’s like a crocodile and the other’s like an alligator.

Q:  What’s the difference between a dead fox on the road and a dead lawyer
A:  There’s skidmarks next to the fox.

Q:  Why won’t a shark eat a lawyer?
A:  Professional respect.

Graveyard tombstone: Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.
Passer-by: It doesn’t look big enough for two people

Client waiting to appear in court:  How long do you think this business is going to last?
Lawyer:  For me about two hours, for you about five years.

Lawyer:  If you want my honest opinion…
Client:  I don’t want your honest opinion, I want your professional advice.

Q:  Which side should a tired lawyer lie on?
A:  The one with the most money.

Lawyer:  Have you told me the whole truth about this incident?
Client:  Of course!  You can add the lies in later.

Q. How can you tell a lawyer is lying?
A. Other lawyers look interested.

Q:  Do you have a criminal lawyer in this town?
A:  Yes, all of them are.

“I hereby give, grant and convey to you all and singular my interest, right, title and claim of and in this orange, together with all its rind, skin, juice, pulp and pips, and all right and advantage therein with full power to bite, suck or otherwise eat or consume the said orange, or give away the said orange, with or without its rind, skin, juice, pulp or pips subject to any agreement subsequently introduced or drawn up to this agreement.” (Lawyer offering an orange to a colleague)

God: I’m going to sue you for trespassing in heaven.
Devil:  And where do you expect to get a lawyer from?

Lawyer (awaking from major surgery):  Why are the curtains drawn?
Nurse: Well there’s a fire across the road and we didn’t want you to think you had died.

Hospital Visitor (to very ill lawyer):  Why are you reading the bible?
Lawyer: I’m looking for loopholes.

Lawyer’s wife:  This room needs new wallpaper.
Lawyer:  Don’t worry, dear, I’m doing a divorce case at the moment.  Once I’ve broken up their home, we can redecorate ours.

Butcher:  Your dog came into my shop this morning and stole a turkey.
Lawyer:  How much was the turkey worth?
Butcher:  About £10.
Lawyer: Well, my fee for legal advice is £50, so just send me a cheque for £40 and we’ll call it quits.

Irish Barrister:  The offence was committed at half past twelve at night on the morning of the following day.

Icelandic Barrister:  Where were you on the night of December 3rd to March 2nd?

Q: How many lawyer jokes are there?
A: Only three, the rest are all true.

Unless, of course, you know better.  Please feel free to add a comment below with your favourite lawyer joke.

*see end of previous post on The Futuretrack Survey

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